Only the Ghosts of Love and Hope
by red day dawning
Summary: Haunted by old fears & insecurities, Severus finds it impossible to commit to his relationship with Remus…


**Title**: Only the Ghosts of Love and Hope  
**Author**: reddaydawning  
**Betas**: _**padawanewan**_ and _**florahart**_. Thank you so much for your help! All mistakes are mine.  
**Prompt**: ghost  
**Rating**: NC-17  
**Warnings**: m/m sex; angst; infidelity; self-loathing; suicidal thoughts; prostitution; rough sex  
**Disclaimer**: The following story uses the characters and situations created and owned by J K Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
**Summary**: Haunted by old fears & insecurities, Severus finds it impossible to commit to his relationship with Remus…  
**Author's notes**: Post-war AU. Written for Livejournal's _**lupinsnape**_ Dark Side Challenge, with the prompt of 'ghost'.

**Only the Ghosts of Love and Hope**

The memory of the morning's kiss lingered long after Severus had Apparated away, persisting as he prepared his research notes and angrily chopped ingredients – a ghost of a sensation that tingled against his lips, a reminder of lust, longing, and dreams never to be fulfilled. Severus felt his desire for Lupin rise, a longing that threatened to break him, entwined with his constant companions, anger and despair.

_Enough_, he thought, sweeping the chopped ingredients off his desk in a fit of fury. _Enough, I **will** banish these ghosts. I don't need him! I don't need love!_ He rose from his chair and stalked out of his room to Apparate directly to the brothel off Knockturn Alley.

Severus pounded into the young man bent over the bed, thrusting without consideration or care, his cock burning with that tight friction. He came, ejaculating hard as he hissed out his release in a sibilant gasp. He straightened immediately, abruptly pulling his cock out and ignoring the small whimpers of pain. Fastening his trousers, he pushed his hand into his pocket and threw a careless handful of coins onto the bed, then left without saying a word, never sparing a glance for the naked young man lying awkwardly on the mattress. Silent tears slid across his averted face as he quietly closed the filthy, battered door behind him.

The sky outside was darkening; Severus could see no people on the street. Few lingered in Knockturn Alley as night fell. He hurriedly Apparated away, keen to remove himself from the stench of refuse and rot that pervaded the alley, keen to leave the place that brought him release but never joy.

* * *

Remus's face lit up as Severus entered the small cottage, glowing in the flickering light of the hearth-fire. "At last," he said, "I haven't seen you since the day before yesterday. I thought you might not come."

"Where else would I go?" Severus asked, aware of the irony, of the many layers of pain.

"I thought perhaps you were too busy. I'm glad you're here," Remus added warmly, placing his hands on the taller man's shoulders and reaching up to lightly kiss him, gradually increasing the pressure and intensity of the kiss until they were pressed against each other, gasping for breath.

"God, I missed that, missed you," Remus panted, tearing at Severus's robes. "Let me touch you, let me feel you," he gasped.

Severus hastily stripped off his clothes, and then fluidly dropped to his knees, looking up at Remus through curtains of dark hair. He carefully unfastened Remus's trousers, gently freeing his hardening cock, and leaned forward to slide the cock slowly into his mouth.

"Good, yes, that's good," moaned Remus. "Harder. Deeper. Yes, I want you to take it all the way in. Oh gods, yes. Keep going."

"Enough," he said. "I'll come too soon. I want to feel you." Remus sat breathing heavily, his trousers open, fisting his cock as Severus stood up. Opening a bottle of oil from the counter behind him, Severus slicked his hand, sliding it over his cock, already hard and red and dripping with pre-come.

"Prepare yourself, Severus."

Severus dribbled a little more oil into his palm, lubricating his fingers. Reaching up he slowly began to insert one finger, then two, into himself, never taking his eyes from Remus's face.

"Enough," rasped Remus, his voice husky and low. "Bend over. Hands on the table."

Severus leaned over the table, spreading his legs wide, looking over his shoulder at Remus.

Grabbing the bottle of oil, Remus slicked his cock, moaning a little as he pumped it through his clenched fist.

"Now. I'm going to fuck you through that table." Remus rubbed his cock on the outside of Severus's tight pucker, gently rimming the outside with his tip. Slowly he slid his cock into Severus, pausing briefly. "Oh gods, so good, so tight."

Remus began sliding in smoothly and deeply, harder and harder, grasping Severus's hips to pound fiercely.

Bracing himself against the table with one hand, Severus moved the other to touch himself.

"No," Remus roared, thrusting hard as he felt his orgasm begin to pulse through him. "No. Not. Until. I say." With a final howl, Remus came hard into Severus, his body convulsing with the strength of his orgasm.

Breathing deeply, he wrenched himself away, forcefully flipping Severus around. "In my mouth," he commanded, dropping down to swallow him deep into his throat.

With a whine, Severus bucked into Remus's mouth, pulling back a little and thrusting back in and out.

"Now!" commanded Remus, pulling away to wrap both hands around Severus's cock, and Severus came, shrieking, his hips thrusting wildly, his come releasing in creamy spurts up into the air and onto Remus.

Remus shifted around, carefully adjusting himself against Severus, so that he was cradling him in his arms. "Mmm, so good," he said, his voice soft with contentment.

Severus lay still, slowing his breathing, willing himself to say nothing, _feel_ nothing, do nothing, to hold on to this moment before it shattered and broke.

"Severus, are you alright?" Remus asked. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Severus shook his head, silently.

"Mmm, love being with you," Remus murmured. "Sleep now," he added sleepily, nuzzling Severus's hair.

Only when he was entirely certain Remus was deeply asleep did Severus move. He carefully edged out of Remus's arms, and silently dressed. Closing the cottage door behind him, he Apparated away.

* * *

Ignoring the smell of the alley, and the rubbish strewn around, Severus carefully picked his way across the uneven cobblestones to the front door. Although he hadn't been here for a few days, nothing had changed. Knockturn Alley did not change.

Paint was cracking and peeling away from the grimy surface of the door Severus approached – it looked as though it had survived more than one attempt to bash or hex it down. He knocked abruptly, lust and anticipation rising as the staccato rhythm beat through the empty street.

The young man opened the door, gesturing for Severus to enter. Once inside, Severus closed the door behind him with a solid thud. He reached out the pouch of coins towards the young man looking at him timidly, his face hidden behind a fall of light brown hair.

"Your fee," Severus said, placing the pouch in the young man's hand. "Now strip. Then bend over – I want to fuck you from behind."

The young man mutely complied.

* * *

Remus looked up at him, his eyes glowing, filled with lust and, undeniably, love. Severus felt his heart swell and contract – he wanted to look away, he wanted to die, he wanted this moment to last forever and never end.

"Severus?" Remus said, his eyes shadowed with concern.

Severus closed his eyes, trying to wrench himself free. "Suck me," he whispered, his voice cracked and hoarse. "Suck me, please."

Remus lowered his head; he began to slowly, so slowly, draw Severus's cock into his mouth, teasing and torturing, drawing him in and out.

And when Remus finally sucked him all the way in, past the constrictions of his throat, Severus screamed, feeling as though his soul was drawn out as he ejaculated in spurts.

"Remus," he whispered, hating the way his voice trembled and shook. "Remus."

* * *

Severus threw the extra coins on the torn blanket covering the bed. Without another word, he walked away, never looking at the young man who lay on the bed, naked, with the semen still trickling out between his bare thighs.

"I saw you there, in Knockturn Alley. Coming out of that filthy brothel."

"Potter, you don't know what you're…"

"Don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about!" Harry shrieked. "It was a stake-out; the place had been under surveillance for weeks. I saw you come and go, every few days. I know what you were doing!"

"Why are you telling me this now, Potter? If you think…"

"Shut up. Just shut up, for once," Harry screamed. "I couldn't talk about it before – it was part of an ongoing investigation. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? What about Remus?"

"This has nothing to do with Lupin – this is something else."

"Nothing to do with Remus? You filthy bastard! I'm going to tell him, he deserves better than you."

"Do what you must. But get out. Now."

Looking at the expression on his former teacher's face, Harry decided to quickly leave.

* * *

"You know?"

"Harry told me."

"I never meant to hurt you. It wasn't about you."

Remus looked at him, long and hard, pain engraving shadows across his face. He opened his mouth to speak, shook his head and tried again. "Not about me? Fuck you, Severus. Get the fuck out – just go."

* * *

_Remus,_

_I have never been brave. Sometimes I have done what needed doing, but I was always frightened. I do not write this to excuse my behavior – I'm writing this because I think there is much you deserve to know._

_Nothing, not the Dark Lord, not the fear of torture and death, bnothing/b has ever frightened me as much as the thought of loving you._

_Everything I have ever loved has been torn away, ripped apart, shattered, broken._

_Loving you – I have wanted to run away, I have wanted to die. I love you, and it frightens me more than I can say._

_Severus_

* * *

_Severus,_

_I have nothing to say to you._

_Remus_

* * *

Severus thought the words written on parchment might actually stop his heart. Feeling the heavy hurtful thud in his chest, he found he was disappointed.

The words he had written to Remus sang through his mind: _I have never been brave. Sometimes I have done what needed doing, but I was always frightened… I love you, and it frightens me more than I can say._

* * *

_Remus,_

_I love you. Please let me tell you, let me come to you. Please let me prove it to you._

_Severus_

* * *

Each morning, Severus looked for an owl, then gave up after his third cup of tea. After a week, he started giving up after his second. After three weeks, he stopped looking entirely. After a month, he stopped counting the days. He'd damaged things beyond repair.

And then, on the thirty-second day, an owl arrived.

Hands shaking, Severus ripped open the letter and read the words. Closing his eyes, he wrapped his arms around himself, rocking as he silently sobbed.

_Yes. Come._

_Remus_

* * *

"I love you, Remus. I can't stop loving you – the gods know I've tried."

"Well, don't even try to stop loving me then, Severus. Don't even try. Just love me."

Severus slowly nodded, feeling something inside wrench and tear. _Was this pain in his chest a shattered heart? Or was this the agony of birth, the sensation of something altogether new being born?_

* * *

Severus Apparated directly to the alley, effortlessly finding his balance on the uneven cobblestones. The familiar stench of rotting matter and human refuse seemed to invade his nose, an almost palpable presence of Knockturn Alley's misery and despair.

Breathing shallowly, Severus approached the grimy, battered door, his knocking a harsh rhythm that echoed through the night. The door opened; Severus began to tremble and shake. He took a deep breath to speak, he thought he might be ill.

The door opened; Severus waited on the doorstep unwilling to enter. He thought of Lupin, his expressive face and the look in his eyes when he looked at him, he thought of how Lupin made him feel, and he shook his head and turned away from the door. Without a word Severus Apparated away, to a small cottage where the man he loved waited, to the warmth of a still burning hearth-fire.

Only the ghosts of love and hope lingered, silently whispering, refusing to fade away into the twilight sky.

_fin_


End file.
